It’s been almost ten years since I’ve been home. Ten years. And yet the
two-hour drive from the city, following the banks of the Yellowstone as it runs
through the mountains and the valleys, is a drive I know like the back of my
hand. Every corner, every dip, every bump in the road is familiar. I could
drive it with my eyes closed and never once take a wrong turn. And yet it’s
been ten long years since I’ve bothered driving this road because I’m too damn
stubborn and proud.
As I navigate my Land Rover rental through the winding roads of the Rocky
Mountain foothills, beneath the sky-high ponderosa pines, their branches
creating a canopy overhead, my heart races as an unbearable anxiousness begins
to consume me from the inside out, the closer I get to my destination. My palms
are clammy. My stomach twists. Sweat beads on my brow. I can barely even
breathe. I had no intention of ever coming back here. Not after everything. I
shouldn’t be here. It doesn’t matter that it’s almost ten years later. I’m
still the girl who left Colt Henry at the altar. The girl who broke the heart
of the hometown hero. To the people of Black Canyon, I’ll probably always be
that girl, no matter how many years have passed.
I still remember the look in his eyes when he came to find me afterwards.
When he forced me to tell him what I feared admitting out loud.
I still remember that look of betrayal, the hurt and the pain that I was
responsible for inflicting upon him. I still remember it like it was yesterday,
not ten years ago. Because that kind of thing will stay with you forever. That
look in his eyes haunts me, flashing in my mind every time I close my eyes, as
if to remind me of everything I once had, what I’ll never have again because I
was stupid enough to let it go in the first place.
I swallow the guilt and remorse that lingers at the back of my throat,
reminding myself of my father and the reason that I’m here.
It still feels like some horrible nightmare. Except it wasn’t a
nightmare. It was real. It is real. A quick glance in the rearview
mirror reminds me just how real it all is. The bruise on my forehead and the
graze on my cheek that I suffered when I collapsed from shock, right there on
the sidewalk in front of Adam Delaney, is real. The shattered screen on my cell
phone from when it fell with me to the pavement, is real. And, the call that
started it all was and still is, painfully real.
My father is dead. The one man I’ve looked up to all my life. My hero. My
everything. The one man who has always been there for me, to protect me, to
keep me safe, to make everything better. He’s gone and I didn’t even get to say
goodbye or tell him that I love him just one last time. I lost the last ten
years with him because of my mistake, and now there’s nothing I can do about
it.
I close my eyes for a beat and grip the steering wheel so tight my
knuckles turn a stark shade of white. My chest constricts around my heart, the
pain almost unbearable. Tears sting the backs of my eyes, begging for release.
But I won’t cry. I can’t. I’ve spent the best part of the last twenty-four
hours crying. I don’t know how many tears I have left.
When the trees part and Black Canyon comes into view, for a moment my
breath is taken away because in the ten years I’ve been gone, I’d forgotten
just how beautiful it is. Surrounded by thick, lush forest, rolling hills, and
looming snow-capped peaks, the tiny town really is a beautiful little secret,
hidden in the middle of nowhere. A diamond in the rough of the unforgiving
wilderness.
A light rain drizzles down over the windshield as I make my way into the
city limits and the dark, threatening clouds begin to envelop the mountains,
casting an ominous hue over the town.
Releasing a trembling breath, I scrub a hand over my weary face,
sniffling back the traitorous tears that continue to threaten me as I drive
into the place that brings back so many memories, passing the familiar
buildings that haven’t changed one bit in the time that I’ve been away.
Everything is still the same, and yet nothing is the same. I’m a different
person to the one I was when I walked away from this place all those years ago
If I could go back and undo all the shitty things I’ve done in my life, I
would. In a heartbeat. But I can’t. And now here I am, ten years later and my
whole world as I’ve known it is falling apart. I didn’t expect to feel so sick
to my stomach. But I guess that’s what happens when you come back to the one
place you vowed never to return.
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