I reached for the hand laying lightly curled in her lap, and
as though I had every right to, drew it into my other hand, laying it there,
the palm facing upward. With the index finger of the first hand, I traced
simple and repetitive patterns in her palm. Neither of us spoke, as though
hypnotized by the motion, and the silence between us was leaden with more unspoken
words than the Library of Congress.
I couldn’t tell if the shit between us, the extremely
weighty baggage, was piling higher or dissolving, but either way, I felt a
distinct shift take place in that moment. Looking into Melissa’s eyes I was
sure she felt it too. Life is made up of moments. Some meaningful, some not.
Some pivotal, some inconsequential. Some memorable, some forgettable. Some
joyful, some regrettable. I took a facsimile of this one in my mind. I
knew I’d be referring back to it often. It was meaningful, pivotal, memorable
and joyful. It was a new beginning after an old end.
I was the first to break the spell, though not with words.
With the hand that had been circling Mel’s palm, I gently raised her chin,
still staring directly into her eyes, before looking down slightly at the
rhythmic rise and fall of her chest as it became more erratic. Her gaze didn’t
waver, and as I raised my eyes again to meet hers, they were there waiting for
me. I wanted to smile, to do something to acknowledge the moment, but my
features wouldn’t play ball. All I could do was stare, naked desire ablaze in
my eyes.
I leaned forward, resting my forehead to hers, my breathing
now mirroring hers in rapid stuttering jolts, each one tearing through my lungs
like I’d run a marathon. I waited for her to say or do something. To encourage
me or warn me off. She kept deadly still. Again the onus was on me, to make a
move. I hesitated again, knowing we were headed for the point of no return, if
we hadn’t already passed it. I knew that if we crossed this line, there was no
going back. I waited a beat more, buying myself time to back out. To think
reasonably and rationally about what I was doing, and act accordingly.
Screw that. The moment was there and then gone, and I knew
that forward was the only direction we’d be moving, even if it felt far riskier
than going backwards. I tilted my head slightly, angling my lips towards hers
before lightly grazing hers with mine. Christ. I knew there and then that I
should stop, that this wasn’t going to end well. I mean, who was I kidding, it
had already ended badly for us in the past, why would this time be any
different?
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