I stop to let this sink in. I'm a father without a son? Is
this possible? My lips tremble at the thought of the last time I'd seen him
only a month ago. He never brought Holland, wanting to spend as much time
together, just him and me. If I'd known it was all the time I’d had with him,
would I have held him longer? Done anything different? It doesn't matter, not
now that I essentially have my father status stripped from me.
As if staring at Dear Dad isn't enough to
rip my heart out, I begin to devour the letter and his last words.
Dear Dad,
Fuck, If you're reading this, it means I'm gone. I
had one dream, growing old with Holland. Death won't stop me from providing for
my wife. And because you're the best man I know, what I'm about to ask—my
last request—I know you'll do. Please take care of Holland. Take her back to
California with you. It's a lot—I know. But, I’m placing my most precious
possession in your hands.
See, we don't have much saved and the military won't let
Holland stay in government quarters after my death. I have very little to provide
for her if I die. I have my SGLI (life insurance), but it’s not enough after
she pays for school. But she's talented in design. Please help her get on her
feet. Love her like you love me. She has nothing to go back to in Virginia. Her
family will suck the little life insurance she has of mine dry.
Mom would have felt so abandoned if I went straight to
you from high school. But if I trust anyone with Holland, it's you.
One of my regrets in life is not fighting Mom to come
live with you. By the time I knew I could stand up to her, I had met Holland.
Please don't tell Mom this. She tried, I know she did. She loves me, this I
never doubted. But I wish I knew you better, Dad.
Please know that every moment we had together, I
treasured. I know that's not a real dude-like thing to say, but I did. You made
me the man who Holland fell in love with. Let her know when she falls in love
again, it's okay! I want everything for her that we couldn’t have together.
And, Dad, I know Mom did you wrong. You never made me
choose, but it made you cynical. That's why you've never committed to anyone
else. Please, find a woman you love and live the life I couldn't.
You will always be a dad—my dad.
Love,
Scott
He has given me closure and purpose. In his honor, I'll make
sure Holland is taken care of.
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